where to begin

so, lately, there’s been a lot going on.  lots of thoughts going through my head, one right after another.  with changing my major and finding someone new, the ground underneath me is very shaky.  at the same time, with everything that’s happened in the past year, i have some obvious trust issues.  i’ve been told of how wonderful of a person i am, and that i should never change, but i feel the old innocent, carefree me slipping away.  how do i clutch to something that i don’t think exists anymore?  how do i fall and scrape my knee, and heal with no scar?  how do i not let the most important part of me, slip between my fingers forever.  i refuse to let the past completely change me and make me a bitter, angry person.  i refuse to turn into the same person that did this to me.  it’s hard for me to relax and let someone else take over, have someone else try to heal me.  after everything that’s happened that little voice in the back of my head screams turn and run.  so who should i listen to, my head that says run, or my heart that breaths a sigh of relief when i hear him.  it’s been a long journey to where i am now, and i’m nowhere near finished yet.

to be honest, i’m terrified…i’m terrified of giving someone else my heart and having it fall apart again.  i highly doubt this person would EVER hurt me, but that’s another thing that worries me, i never would have thought the last one would either.  and the strange thing is, that when we parted, we parted on relatively good terms, we still loved each other (or so i’m told), and we both wanted to be in each others lives.  as of now, we can barely stand each other, to the point where i honestly gag when i think of them….and it has nothing to do with what happened between him and i.  i have no idea what it was that so suddenly changed in me these past few weeks, but the simple image of their face in my head makes me neaseous.  i’ve pondered it a lot lately, and wondered what could have triggered it all the sudden, but from what i’ve been told, i’m one of many that has this reaction, and no one else seems to know either.  but enough side-tracking, onto what my original point was, i’m terrified.  i’m excited, anxious, and completely terrified.  he’s never once been rude, and i have no reason to believe he would do anything harmful to me, other than my past experiences.  so do i tread lightly and expect the worst, or do i relax and give him the benefit of the doubt?

this is a lot of what’s been going through my head lately, but in a summarized, shortened version.  the main reason any of this is on my mind is because i know the time to meet him is getting nearer and nearer, and thus it begins to weigh heavily on my mind.  i don’t want to make the same mistakes i’ve made in the past, but i also don’t want to hold back because of other’s stupidity.  i hate the feeling of not being able to trust people, and thinking the worst of the best people.  i guess there’s just a lot going on at once…with school about to start up, i want to enjoy what little time i have left on break.  while i swore of dating for awhile so i had time to heal, i have roughly 4 guys coming at me at once…all wanting to be with me….but there’s always that one that stands out.  that one who for some reason from the get-go, i had that connection with.  so what to do?  i really have no idea…life got a lot more complicated than i ever thought it would be.  but in all honesty, i think things will work out for me, especially when it comes to this person.  at the end of the day, i can’t wait to hear from him again, and it feels like i hold my breath when he’s not around me in some form or another.  he makes me smile when all i want to do is cry, and he makes the weight on my shoulders disappear.  he’s hotter than hell, i will give him that 🙂 and he’s got a great personality, so why not give him the benefit of the doubt?  why let the past affect how i react to this situation.  now don’t get me wrong, you burn your hand on a stove, you learn to not touch it again, but this person is nothing like my ex, in even the smallest sense.  and that, i think, is the deciding factor for me.  he’s nothing like i’ve ever had before, and i’m actually going a little out of my comfort zone and usual boundaries to be with him.  maybe that’s my sign, my divine intervention that lets me know this is the real deal.  plus, with a face like his, who could resist?  😉

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