Your Call Has Been Disconnected

Have any of you ever reached a point in your lives where you look at the people you have chosen to date and wonder, why? This has happened to me several times in my dating career. I’ve always tried to squash the concerns I’ve had and tried to see the best in people but in the end it leads to me getting screwed over by someone I knew didn’t deserve my time to begin with.  There’s only ever been one person in my life who I didn’t have concerns about dating to begin with and in the end they were the one who hurt me the most and I don’t think I’ve honestly learned anything from these bad experiences.  I continue to date people who aren’t what I need to be happy.

I’m once again in a position where I’m really starting to wonder about what it is that I’m doing.  I thought I knew what I wanted after Will left, what it was that I was looking for in someone.  I’ve come to realize that that idea is evolving, and what I’m looking for is becoming more specific.  Yes, I still want someone college educated and someone who isn’t afraid to tell me they’re opinion.  But I’m also looking for someone who’s compassionate, loving, and isn’t afraid to share themselves with me. Mark is the only person I’ve ever dated who wasn’t afraid to be himself and be opinionated. Dating-wise however, we are not a good match, with my current situation, I’m beginning to see a disconnect.  The intimacy isn’t there and that makes any crack in the relationship into a chasm. I see it growing more everyday and I don’t know if it’s something that can ever be crossed.  It’s like having a conversation over the phone and the call goes crackly and eventually, the call gets dropped.  I feel like the connection between us has gotten to the crackly stage and eventually, it’ll be completely gone.

In the end, I wish I could find someone who isn’t afraid to tell me what they’re fears and dreams are.  Someone who hugs me from behind, whispers in my ear that they love me and that I’m the most beautiful girl they’ve ever laid eyes on, someone who is not afraid at looking at me and truly connecting. I’m tired of guys who pretend to be something they aren’t or guys who are so afraid of connecting with another human being that they hide behind non-chalant comments and a tough guy attitude.  What happened to the men in this world who are tough enough to protect their women but also soft enough to let them know they’re loved to the moon and back?  When did our society start raising these weak, spineless cowards who hide behind facades?  I’m certainly not saying that all men are like that, because I am sure there are many wonderful men in this world…I just wish that one of these days, I could find one.  In the meantime, many of us women will continually be mistreated and screwed over and when a good guy does come along, they’ll be the ones to have to pick up the pieces of our self-esteem and deal with the psychological aftermath, and for that I am sincerely sorry.  It’s not all on the guys though, we allow these guys into our life and we allow them to treat us like we don’t matter.  Someday, I hope to find the man who will make me feel like I’m wanted, loved, and cherished. Until then, I’ll be waiting…



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