How Is It They Don’t Know???

Since the earliest years of my life, I can remember people making comments about my size.  Whether it be ‘portion control’, grabbing my extra fluff, or just all around rejection by someone I liked, eventually those things begin to take a toll.  Most of us women will probably tell you that we know that America’s idea of ‘healthy’ is highly skewed to the malnourished end of the scale but at the same time there is a part of us that knows that’s what people view as being sexy.  I’m sure most of us don’t look like Victoria’s Secret models but if we had the opportunity, we would definitely want to look like them.  I don’t know why we try and fool ourselves into believing that the shape we are will ever be good enough, because someone or something will always make us feel inadequate, no matter how hard we try against it.

I tell myself constantly that I’m a healthy weight and that I may be thicker than most, and my thighs might rub together, but I am beautiful….what a sham.  Most days I feel fat, unkempt, and just plain unattractive.  I see other people and think, ‘I wish I looked like her’.  It’s really unfortunate that in our society we will never feel like enough.  It’s also sad that the comments of just one or two people can totally shape how we see ourselves and that no amount of delusion will take that away.  I certainly can’t speak for every female, since I’m not every female, but the only time I have ever been truly happy with myself was when I was 20 lbs lighter and without the muffin top.  I dressed in things I didn’t normally, I wanted to show my shape off and I was proud of how I looked. 20 lbs heavier and my pants don’t fit, I wear sweaters all the time to cover up my chub and I keep my head down so people don’t notice me.  I know it’s not necessarily right but at the same time, it’s the reality of how I feel.  The worst part about it for someone like me though?  The fact that no matter how hard someone tries to convince you that you are beautiful, all it takes is one comment or one rejection to send you right back to the beginning.  I know how it feels, intimately, and while I wish it was something I could change I also know that I need to be realistic.

Realistic in the fact that you will never be the one to make me feel beautiful or wanted because your incapable of achieving that.  Not because of having tried, because it constantly feels like you don’t, but because even if you did try I probably wouldn’t believe you.  At some point I have to be happy with myself and I haven’t felt like that since Christmas.  I haven’t felt like myself since then, if I was completely honest.  I feel like someone outside my life looking in, who’s screaming to try and get my attention that something needs to change and this other person just isn’t listening.  Maybe it’s time to go back to working on myself and being me without having someone else to worry about since I’m having a hard enough time with myself right now…let alone dealing with you…just a thought.

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