So I’ve already managed to miss a day of my NaBloPoMo, and I have no one to blame but myself. I sat at my computer all yesterday morning doing homework and I should have just done it then, and the sad part? I already knew what I wanted to talk about! Ugh, well today is a new day and I’m posting early so it doesn’t slip my mind for a second day in a row.
As for what I wanted to talk about yesterday, for the past month or so I’ve been following a woman on Instagram who is a pathologist in the Philadelphia area. From what I’ve heard we account has been deleted a few times because she posts pictures people have a hard time looking at, but I find it fascinating. She’s an educator and feels the need to teach those who aren’t her students what autopsy and death really look like. Now this doesn’t bother me because of the profession I’ll be going into and to see the morbid has always caught my attention. I love to learn and in forensics, you hear about the autopsy but never get to learn about it. I rarely use Instagram but her posts have been ones I have looked for because they are mysterious. She doesn’t always say what is wrong with the particular organ, or what the organ actually is so it becomes a guessing game of ‘what possibly killed the person.’ Which happens to be very similar to the job I’ll be doing just in a different scope. So for those of you who are unafraid of the morbid, curious about death and want to learn, please check out her Instagram page, mrs_angemi. I will warn you, it can be graphic, but it is well worth it in my eyes.
So it hit me today while driving to class that it’s already November…meaning the semester ends in about 6 weeks and if all goes well (cross your fingers), I finally graduate with my bachelor’s degree. I know, I know, it’s about time right? I’ve only been in college for the last decade. But thinking about the idea of graduating does scare me a little. I know what it’s like to be a student, I’m used to being a student, and this is a huge change for me. I’ll finally be able to get a big girl job and work in a job that I WANT to work in, and not just one that won’t pay my bills.
I’ve wanted to be a forensic scientist since middle school when my dad made the horrible mistake of letting me watch CSI. I have the weird books and morbid fascination that will allow me to not only stomach the job but enjoy it, plus the lack of sense of smell comes in handy. I’m excited to think of the options I might have in front of me and where this might take me. I’m currently looking at sending my CV (curriculum vitae for those of you who aren’t in the science fields) to the medical examiner in Philadelphia even though they aren’t currently hiring for my dream job. Now keep in mind while being a forensic investigator is a dream job for me I have by no means given up my eventual goal of getting my Ph.D and working for the DPAA, or JPAC as they used to be called. But one step at a time. And who knows, if for whatever reason I do happen to fall into a job for the M.E. in Philadelphia, I may discover that I love it and decide to settle in for the long haul. I do know that I’m at a point in my life that I want to live closer to my best friend while still being somewhat close to my family.
Who knows what the future holds for me but as of right now the realization that I could soon be a college graduate is something that is finally sinking in. I’m almost done and I’m trying everything in my power to make sure it happens for me next month. After all the time and money I’ve spent on this degree I may just have to get the thing mounted…
So a friend of mine posted today that she had signed up for NaBloPoMo, a variation of NaNoWriMo. While I have never participated in NaNoWriMo, my cousin and several friends do it every year, and since I have a blog, I figured I would take the time this year to participate. We shall see how well this goes as I’m working part time, going to school full time, have homework up the wazoo and no social life to speak of. I thought it might make my posting on my blog a bit more regular rather than the sporadic writing I do now and hopefully I will have something to talk about.
Besides NaBloPoMo, I have recently taken a trip to Delaware. My best friend lives there and I needed some time away to clear my head. I’ve been extremely busy and stressed out this semester and it was all beginning to get a bit overwhelming. Not that it stopped being overwhelming, but a weekend away with my favorite person gave me a moment to take a quick breath. Over the past few months I’ve spent a lot of time just pushing things on the back burner or pretending like it wasn’t affecting me, and she’s the one person who has the ability to get me to process the things that are bothering me. She makes my problems seem easier to manage, and always has the ability to take the heavy burden off my shoulders. I don’t know how she does it because it’s not like I show up and she tells me ‘ok, the therapist is in the house’, there’s just an ease about her that helps me relax and begin to process. Plus, she’s one of the most honest people I know and will tell it to me like it is albeit it gently and with love.
The trip was by far a success for me. I had a wonderful time with her and her family, got to see a bunch of stuff and bought souvenirs that I’m sure will eventually get lost or misplaced. My memories of the trip will never fade though. It was, by far, one of the best times of my life that I will forever cherish. I thank the powers that be all the time that I went back to school in Hawaii and that she was placed in my path because for those that know me, I have a very hard time trusting people, and have a very small circle of friends, with only one best friend. She is someone that I miss on a constant basis, someone I wish lived closer to me so I could see her more often, and someone I hope to someday race my wheelchair against as we slip into senility. All in all, she’s probably my favorite person on this planet that I’m not related to but who is definitely a member of my family.
Several recent situations have made me think a lot lately, about how much has changed and how I never thought I’d be where I am. Growing up in a small town, I felt invincible, like time would never end, I’d be young forever and hanging out with friends. Practically overnight I’m suddenly 27 and most of those friends have fallen away as we’ve all moved on with our lives. You never expect as a teenager that someday the people you choose as your makeshift rag-tag family will no longer be there. Suddenly you turn around and they’re all gone and you don’t know when or how it happened. I didn’t grow up with a super close-knit group of friends because of where I lived and (unfortunately) some of the people I chose to spend my time with. I was always left outside looking in, more often than not, but there have been a few people in my life that have left an impression on me of those long summer days spent outside on some adventure. Some of those people I have no idea where or what they’re doing, I have lost all contact with them, while others I keep up with through Facebook and still hold out hope that someday we may see each other again.
Growing up and moving on isn’t easy but it’s something we are constantly doing. We make a connection and maybe it’s one that lasts a lifetime, or maybe it doesn’t. Some have a falling out, while others just seem to fade away until one day we realize we haven’t seen that person in years. I sincerely miss the days I could just run over to the neighbors house and play for hours after school until dinner time. It’s a time in my life I look back on with great fondness and I’m sad that my friend, as well as the fun we had, is gone. I know in the passing away of old friends a space is created for a new one, and I highly value some of the friendships I’ve made in the last year and I hope those will turn into lifelong friends because looking back just makes me realize a majority of who I thought would be lifelong friends have turned out not to be. They became a blip on my radar, a few lines in my story, and like our favorite characters in books, we’re sad when our time with them is over. Just food for thought.
So I recently saw a commercial for a new mattress that is being manufactured. This mattress has sewn-in sensors and technology that will send a message to your phone if any ‘strange activity’ is going on on your mattress when you aren’t home aka if your spouse has decided to get up to naughty things without you. To top it all off, they will send you the info about where the pressure is on the bed and the duration of the pressure, essentially allowing you to watch your spouse’s behavior. My first thought was ‘really?!? We have gotten to a point in our lives that our mattress’ need to keep an eye on our significant others?’ Today just takes the cake though….I saw an ad for a wedding ring that has a GPS tracker built into the ring so you can always know where your spouse is. Now I get in the age of Ashley Madison, how products like these would be produced and advertised to people, trying to capitalize on the last year of media craziness. However, do we really need all this stuff? I mean come on, if you don’t trust your partner enough that you need a mattress that tells you what they’re doing and a ring to let you know exactly where they are, then you shouldn’t be with them to begin with. Cut out the expensive products and just go straight for the expensive divorce because I guarantee that’s where you’ll be headed anyways. Even if your partner isn’t cheating, what person would be happy to discover that their wedding ring wasn’t given out of love but out of stalker tendencies? Try and explain it to yourself however you want, but in the end, what’s the point of all this crap? Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice to know your spouse is cheating if they are because none of us want to waste time on a relationship, but cheating isn’t always having sex. My ex cheated with someone he had never met, nor ever will meet, and these products never would have helped me. But in the end, I still learned of what had transpired. Usually if you have a gut feeling that your partner is cheating it’s because they either are, or because you want to. My ex constantly thought I was going to leave him or cheat on him with someone else, and yet he was the one who did. No amount of products will change the fact that if it’s going to happen, it will happen. The dirty messages will be exchanged, sex will be had, lies will be told. No product will save you from the heartache, it may even eventually cause it. So for the love of all that is holy, can we please just try and trust people we love? If not, walk away, without the excuse of ‘there was weird stuff going on when I wasn’t home’. Plus, what do you do if you’re dating someone like me, who may take an afternoon to jump on the bed? You’ve ruined a relationship over something incredibly fun and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to be with you anyways.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I recently came to a realization. In the past, I’ve ended up in relationships that, while I didn’t realize it at the time, ended up forcing me to change who I was, the last one especially. The people I’ve always chosen to date have resulted in me distancing myself from my family, my friends, and eventually from who I wanted to be. I love the fact that my current relationship isn’t like that, at all. I don’t feel guilty about spending time with my family anymore, I feel independent, like I don’t have to be up someone else’s ass all the time to make sure their entertained or ok. It’s so nice to be able to have breathing space because for me it’s extremely important that I can do my own thing without getting the guilt trip. Not that anything I do is crazy, but I’ve always had partners that would throw tantrums if I wanted to spend a day out with my dad or if I wanted a night to myself. Mike is the exact opposite of everything I’ve ever looked for in someone up until now, and it’s so so so SO nice. He is so supportive of me and the things that I need to be happy, it seriously makes me love him even more. I know that might seem strange to some people but I have never had that before the age of 26. Even when I dated someone 5 years older than me, they still needed me to entertain them all the time and couldn’t stand spending time at family functions. Now for those that know me, family is what has kept me sane, especially over the last 2 years, so to try and shut me off from them is not something that can last forever, they’re just too important and I’ve finally found someone who understands the meaning of family and how important it is. He’s the first real person to totally get me and my needs and consistently meets them. It’s amazing to come home from a stressful day to someone who has cleaned my kitchen for me, who will cook me dinner, give me back rubs, and just lay with me to make me feel better. Even if for whatever reason he and I don’t work out, I now know what I truly deserve from a partner and will accept no less. I am not going to ever change myself or my priorities for anyone ever again. My future and my family are much to important to me so either join the bandwagon or get off the ride. It’s nice to finally see someone truly care about me, who not only talks the talk, but walks the walk….it’s incredibly fulfilling. So for all you people out there who are wondering if you’re relationship is worth it, or if you’re being treated right, take the time to sit down and think about just one thing…..are you truly happy? I can honestly say I have never been this content with anyone in my entire life. I knew my last relationship wasn’t right for me, right from the onset, but I wasn’t willing to walk away because of the time I had invested into it by the time I realized I was incredibly bored so for the love of all that is holy, don’t be me. If you aren’t truly happy and content, walk away. It might be hard, but you’ll save yourself and someone else a whole lot of wasted time.
Most of what I have posted on this site I’ve tried to keep on the lighter side. I try to look at things as a learning experience or something I can be grateful for. Today has been a rather annoying day for me and to top it all off, someone I considered to be a ‘friend’ posted the above picture on social media, I’m sure because he found it funny. Now this picture really lets me know who he is as an individual and really puts his mentality right on display and I really can’t say as though this is someone that I want to include in my life. I’ve had enough jerks in my life, I don’t need more.
In the past year, I have introduced and cut out a variety of individuals in my life. If there is one thing I learned from my ex, it’s the fact that I am no longer willing to waste my life on people who don’t deserve it. I have met so many selfless people in the past year, many of whom I have met through my boyfriend, that to see someone so blatantly self-centered is not only really unattractive, but not something I want in a so-called ‘friend’. I don’t know when our world became such a huge place of ‘all me and screw you’ but I am not ok with this. I never knew that you supposedly doing something nice for me wasn’t actually something nice but really just a way for you to get some sort of compensation out of it.
I have been fortunate in the last year to meet some truly amazing people and I can’t say as anyone less than that is someone I want to spend my time on. I surround myself with people who actually care about those around them, instead of those who only look to see what’s in it for them. I sincerely hope that the future of this world is a little less on being a jerkface and a little more on being compassionate to the needs of those around us. Rant over.